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<title>He's not coming back (but I want him to) by WhoWasIYesterday</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23344594">He's not coming back (but I want him to)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoWasIYesterday/pseuds/WhoWasIYesterday'>WhoWasIYesterday</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Endgame, Protective Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Therapy, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, definitely not a fix-it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 05:28:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,462</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23344594</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoWasIYesterday/pseuds/WhoWasIYesterday</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve goes to therapy after Tony's death. It has been a long time since Steve needed the therapy but now his anxiety is back.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>He's not coming back (but I want him to)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic contains some self harm + Tony's death<br/>I wanted to try something different so in this fic Steve <em>talks to his therapist about his life with Tony</em>, and in between there is Steve's memories.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> The people who really knew Tony, knows that he was not a difficult person, he wasn’t rude or selfish. With right people and right circumstances he was a wonderful person, full of joy. Still, in the inside he was suffering. He didn’t show it, he refused to talk about it. But if you spent more time with him, you got to know him. I’m so happy I got to know him.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>It’s funny… first time I met him, I couldn’t believe my ears… or eyes. Tony was so arrogant and selfish that it was hard for me to be in the same room with him. I wanted to run away as far as I could from that man, but at the same time, Tony was so attractive and handsome that I couldn’t really get my eyes off of him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>At first Steve didn’t know Tony that well. He preferred to sit far away from him, far away from his wicked comments about his “short beauty sleep after WW2”. Steve didn’t need anyone to insult him because he already felt bad. Still Steve was clearly interested. He wanted to know what Tony was like when he wasn’t surrounded by other people, he needed a moment alone with him.</p><p> </p><p>One time Steve bumped into Tony when he came to the kitchen to make his usual mid-day sandwich while waiting the dinner. Tony was repairing the microwave.</p><p>“Oh, hi Steve,” Tony said cheerfully, “you probably have to skip the warm cheese sandwich today and just eat it cold. The microwave is dead.”</p><p>“Well, it’s okay,” everything was always okay for Steve, he’d cope. Steve took some butter and cheese from the fridge and placed them on the table and started buttering the bread. He throw few pieces of cheese on top of the sandwiches and poured himself some juice.</p><p> </p><p>Just when he was leaving he heard Tony blurt out, “actually, if you have some time, I think I can bring this thing back to live in less than twenty minutes. You can wait if you want… I mean if you are not in a hurry.”</p><p>Steve was more than happy that Tony asked him to stay. He loved watching Tony work. “Yes I can stay. Do you want help with that?” This would be his moment with Tony.</p><p>“Maybe, if you can hold this piece in place for a moment,” Tony said, making a short glance toward Steve; despite being short, their eyes had enough time to meet.</p><p>Steve placed his plate and glass on the table and held the piece as Tony fastened the whole thing together with screws. Steve noticed how close to Tony he was standing and how Tony’s hand nearly brushed his. He loved the look on Tony’s face when he concentrated so Steve just stared at him when they fixed the microwave together. Tony was kind for him, didn’t say a word about Steve being in ice or being actually the same age as his “dear old dad”. Steve liked the kind Tony. </p><p> </p><p>After the repair Steve made them both sandwiches and they discussed about their past lives until it was time for dinner. Steve got to tell Tony about the life before and during the war.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> And as you know, I fell in love with him. I believe I told you about this during the time I started to date Tony. I kind of liked the moment when there was no need for me to come here every week. I was so happy and relaxed with Tony that I didn’t need the therapy. Now the anxiety is back… it’s worse than before… </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tony was emotionally very strong. I wish I was as strong as he was. I mean, he could carry a huge part of my worries too. I just hope that I was also able to carry his burden. Sometimes the weight of the world just crushed on top of him… Usually that happened during the nights; it buried him down.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tony had his own coping methods and the best one was tinkering. He woke up at night, screaming; it was because of the nightmares. Then he couldn’t sleep anymore… or maybe he could but he didn’t want to. It was better to be awake than watch all the bad dreams that his brain was going to play him during the night. He just silently left the room, hoping that he wouldn’t have to come back again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then there was the time when he didn’t have the nightmares. Every morning I could watch him sleeping next to me, he looked so beautiful. Sometimes I skipped my morning jog and spent hours next to him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Steve had been sleeping longer than usually, Tony had already left the room when Steve woke up. He grabbed his t-shirt and pair of sweatpants and headed towards the elevator with a rush. He put his clothes on in the elevator. The elevator was probably the fastest in town but still it went down too slowly. Steve turned sideways and pushed himself out of the elevator before the doors were fully open.</p><p>“Tony… Tony?” he shouted when he reached the engineers workshop.</p><p> </p><p>Steve saw Tony standing in front of a big halo screen, deciding the final touches for his new suit. </p><p>“Hi Tony,” Steve said when he reached the man. It was more like a question, asking how Tony is feeling this morning. </p><p>Tony looked at Steve and smiled his usual ‘I am okay but not really’ smile, Steve recognized it immediately. He reached out to the man and rested his hand on his shoulder, comforting him.</p><p>“I was just heading out to go jogging but I can stay if you want me to,” Steve said because he knew that Tony himself wouldn’t ask him to stay.</p><p>“I want you to,” Tony whispered and turned his face towards Steve, “please.”</p><p>Steve’s both hands were on Tony’s shoulders, he pulled Tony towards him and gave him a tight hug. “I’ll go grab my sketchbook,” Steve said when they separated.</p><p> </p><p>Steve could tell that Tony felt more better when he didn’t have to be alone. Once again Tony had tidied his table so Steve could sit on his usual place. Steve’s sketchbook was full of drawings, he liked to draw compound or New York but he what he loved more than drawing a scene was to draw Tony. Three quarters of all the drawings portrayed him.</p><p> </p><p>Steve took the pen in his hand and started to draw Tony focusing on his work on the screen.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It took some time from me to get to know him as I do now. It wasn’t so easy. Tony was not an open person. He liked to hold all the worries and sorrow inside of him and he never spoke if something was bothering him. In time I learned to read him, I knew what he felt and with me, I think, Tony was able to be entirely himself… In my opinion, that was the best gift I gave to him; the feeling of safety and with me, he got to know what if felt like to be truly loved by someone. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>There were some times when Steve just knew that Tony wasn’t all right. He was pretty worried about Tony, because he hadn’t seen him in a long time. Steve wandered on their room and found Tony from there, sitting on the edge of their bed, tears ran down his cheeks, dropped on his arms and mixed with the blood. Steve had never been so scared, he was scared of loosing Tony, he was sad of Tony feeling like that. But he had to be brave for him.</p><p> </p><p>Steve swiftly crossed the room and kneeled in front of Tony. He tried to make an eye contact with him, and at the same time he lay his hand on Tony’s and with the other, he took the knife from Tony’s hand. The red spread on Steve’s fingers too as he dropped it behind him. Tony’s eyes were empty, staring at nothing. Those beautiful brown eyes were now blank, red and in tears.</p><p> </p><p>Steve took Tony’s hands in his, thumbs caressing Tony’s palms.</p><p>“Tony,” Steve said calmly, “look at me, Tony.”</p><p>Tony looked at Steve and the tears welled in his eyes. There was the deep sorrow but at the same time the shame reflected from his eyes. </p><p>“Steve,” Tony mumbled silently and sobbed, “I’m so sorry Steve.”</p><p>“It’s okay Tony, there’s no need to be sorry,” Steve tried to calm Tony down with his words.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly Tony slumped forward, Steve caught him and wrapped his arms tightly around him. Tony crabbed Steve’s shirt in his fists and squeezed it hard. The white shirt caught the color of red, more from his arms than his hands. Steve plant kisses on top of Tony’s head, he breath the scent of his coconut shampoo, and tried not to think about what would have happened, if he would have been there 30 minutes later.</p><p>“Tony, I promise you, everything will be all right,” Steve whispered, “I will keep you safe.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m just so glad that I was the one he chose to be with the rest of his life. I just… I can’t imagine what my life would have been without him. We were always there for each other and I think that is the most beautiful thing in life and in love. You are with the other person in his good moments but also in the bad ones because the love you feel for the other is the strongest thing on earth. It keeps you together and it supports you your whole life. And Tony, he was, and still is, my whole life, the love of my life. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The grey strands on Tony’s messy hair didn’t bother Steve, Tony was still the most handsome man he had ever seen, even though he looked older. His eyes were still the same chocolate brown and his scent was still the same, familiar coconut. Despite the dust on the battlefield, Steve could still smell that, the scent of safety and home.</p><p> </p><p>The snap had caused some injuries on Tony’s arm and his face. Steve gazed Tony’s eyes as he crouched in front of the man who he loves. Steve was the only person who could really read Tony’s eyes. This time there was pain in his eyes, the snap hurt Tony physically but the pain reflecting from eyes wasn’t physical, wasn’t caused by the pain in his hand or his face. What caused the pain was the leaving. In past years Tony had learned to love life, to love living. He knew this was his end but for the first time in years, he didn’t want to leave. The pain in his eyes reflected the pain in his heart.</p><p> </p><p>Steve loved Tony more than anything, and that’s why he tried to look strong… just like Tony did. They both knew that the other was definitely faking.</p><p> </p><p>Tony closed his eyes peacefully after holding Steve’s gaze for a moment. He was gone. Steve let his tears fall, he was still holding Tony’s hand when he pressed one last kiss on his warm cheek.</p><p> </p><p>Steve wanted to carry Tony out of the battlefield. Many said that they would take the job if Steve wanted to but he refused. It was not a job for him. For him it was the last moment with Tony. Steve felt the tears streaming down on his face. He didn’t hold them any longer. Steve knew it would be his last time holding Tony on his hands.</p><p> </p><p>Steve put his hands under Tony and hoisted him up. Tony was small man and not heavy, that day, in his hands, Tony felt incredibly small. His body was so relaxed. Steve settled Tony’s hands on his own lap so they wouldn’t swing around. Tony looked so peaceful, sleeping in his arms. His head resting on Steve’s bicep.</p><p> </p><p>Steve walked slowly and silently across battlefield, towards the jet which would take Tony away from him. The jet was far away but still too close. Steve knew the walk would feel too short. He wasn’t ready to let go.</p><p> </p><p>He lay Tony softly on the floor of the jet. He kissed his forehead and whispered to him, “I’m sorry Tony, you know I am. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.” He sobbed and pressed one last kiss on top of Tony’s hand he was holding.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> So now the days move forward too slowly and every minute is haunted by the memory of him. I can imagine his touch. All I need to do is to close my eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I know that the others say that I sleep too much. But you understand; in sleep, he returns to me. He becomes real again. He’s beautiful, walking softly on the floor of our bedroom. His hand touches me, it feels warm and soft. He tells me how much he loves me and smiles to me, I close my eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The vision darkens and Tony’s there, sitting on the ground, leaning on a scrap of our home… Blood dripping from his nose, half of his face burned. He’s in pain. It was supposed to be me… but no. I’m standing far away from him, not wanting to get closer to him because I’m scared. Scared of death, scared of losing him. Never thought I could be scared of someone else’s death.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He looks at me, eyes begging me to come closer but at first I can’t move. He sees me crying because I couldn’t hold back the tears. I walk closer to him and crouch down, but still the last thing he sees is me crying, because I’m scared and so angry to myself, how did I let this happen to him. I try to smile because I know it will make his passing easier. It will be okay.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>His last breath of air.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I’m always covered in cold sweat when I wake up from the nightmare. I don’t even know if it’s day or night because my curtains are always closed. I don’t want to see the world without him.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The tears come back like they always do when I remember that he’s not coming back. Sometimes I bury my face in the pillow hoping that I would choke so I could get away from this world. I gasp air just before I pass out. I just miss him so much. It feels like my heart is in million pieces and a giant is standing on top of my lungs. But I don’t die. Every day is harder than the previous one.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Everyone says I’ll get through this. I just… I feel like I’ll never get through this. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading &lt;3 I hope the fic wasn't too unclear :D</p></blockquote></div></div>
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